Masturbation and you.

You know when I was younger, I honestly thought there would come a day when I wouldn’t get horny. Actually, it was more that I thought I wouldn’t get as horny. The years have passed and the feeling doesn’t ever really go away. I wonder why that is sometimes, this tendency towards self abuse whose pull is so powerful (you know it wasn’t until I reread that I realized the horrible pun contained within).

Woody Allen said (in Annie Hall): Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love. As much as that may be true, I can’t help but feel I could put my time to better use though. If I somehow took all the time I have spent throughout my life “milking the lizard” as it has colorfully been referred to among friends and devoted the same amount of time to one of life’s great puzzles or some other problem that confronted humanity I think I would be famous by now and our collective lot would be a better one.

I don’t think Albert Einstein masturbated.


Well, actually I think he might have masturbated once but, just once and he had a really good orgasm and after that figuring it would tough to follow that up he just abstained. Hence we have E=Mc2.

Stephen Hawkins probably isn’t able to masturbate himself and look at what he’s able to come up with. Yes, if it wasn’t for masturbation we would be flying to the stars!

The reason I bring this up was because of a discussion I was having with someone today. The person was mentioning during the course of the conversation seeing an ad for Enzyte or some such other concoction guaranteed to give you a woody that could crack concrete.


If you not familiar with the Enzyte campaign (I don’t know maybe you’ve lived in a cave for the last few years), it has the ubiquitous Bob in each ad who goes everywhere with the same vacant smile plastered on his face (due to his constant state of arousal no doubt). The ad always extols the great virtues of Bob’s prowess when it comes to getting a boner and how he is the envy of his friends and neighbors. They go on to say how Bob’s wife is really happy but, I can’t help but think if Bob has been married for 10 or more years, she’s not so much happy because Bob has a boner as much as she is because she’s doing the pool boy on the side.

We spend a lot of time in this country focused on stiff dicks.

Besides the people in government.

In addition to Enzyte, you’ll see the campaign for Viagra too. More talk about a hard man being good to find. Thing is, we spend so much time focused on this nowadays, our obsession as a nation stands in marked contrast to our nation’s determination to put a man on the moon in the sixties. Yes instead of lifting our gaze skyward and pondering new vistas to explore, our country is pulling its pants out at the waist, discretely checking to see if we’re hard and wondering why we’re not if we’re not.


The funny thing about Viagra is they speak about one of the side effects being blindness.

Well, D’uh!

I mean I can remember my mother telling me for years I would go blind.